Monday, February 18, 2008

He Neither Slumbers nor Sleeps

This morning Kathryn and I were trying to remember how her digestion problems started last week. We tried to trace her problem back to food consumption and medicines and from what we can remember this latest pancreas attack and severe acid reflux started after a course of an anti-fungal treatment. Her body has been out of balance since before her Remicade treatment and her care has been labor intensive and round-the-clock. She developed a fever and chills on Friday night that taxed her adrenal system. I didn't post this weekend because I was simply overwhelmed with fatigue. On Sunday morning Paul and I were too tired to get out of bed to go to church.

Yesterday I reminded God in an angry prayer time how often I have felt spent and how hard I had worked to get Qavah's surgery scheduled. I said, "could you just give me a break here?" I don't know what came over me yesterday but "battle fatigue" describes it. Although I am amazed at how much my faith has grown, my faith does not exempt me from the feelings that accompany caring for someone with long-term challenges.

Yesterday Kathryn and I had a heart-to-heart talk about how frustrating HPS is . She was forthright about the feelings she has when she sees how exhausted we can get, but still wanted me to write candidly about it. There is a fair amount of guilt to be overcome by the one who suffers and a great amount of reassurance of love by the care-givers is needed. Daily we exchange encouraging words, but sometimes we struggle to believe the words we say. Yesterday I said, "Tomorrow will be better." Today it is better but many times it isn't.

Last night I had Qavah in my arms, rocking her to sleep. Her lullabies were playing and she fell asleep into the third song. I watched her sweet little face and kept rocking so the rest of the lullabies were sung for me. Here are the words to Even the Darkness is Light to Him from Michael Card's , Sleep Sound in Jesus. At the end of my hard day these words were manna to my hungry soul.

Even the darkness is light to Him
And night is as bright as the day
So you are safe though the light grows dim
For even the darkness is light to Him

The Father above does not slumber or sleep
He wakefully watches our ways
Then there's no reason for you to weep
For the Father above neither slumbers nor sleeps

So dry your eyes of angel blue
And trust the One Who died for you
Would not Jesus safely keep
The little ones He loves asleep?

2 comments:

  1. I had never heart that song before ... quite special.
    Does Roanoke or your church offer respite care for caretakers? That's so vital.
    Our hearts ache for you and, yet, are amazed at how God sustains each of you.
    May His grace continue to be sufficient.
    Love,
    Ib and Patricia

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  2. Dawn, sometimes it makes me feel exhausted just reading what you are dealing with from day to day. But "He giveth more grace." Our heavenly Father knows what we need, and I can't imagine what great rewards you will have in Heaven for staying strong through every thing. I can't imagine that you wouldn't feel so exhausted that your anger would flare up once in a while, strongly desiring respite. You all have my prayers!

    Aunt Doris

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